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#427224 - 08/20/08 11:56 AM She's not even my MIL and I already despise her...
Kareberry Offline
Connoisseur


Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 1373
I totally admit I have a mean streak somewhere in me, maybe even lack of patience too but omg my bf and I have been dating for almost 4 years and my impression of his mother has just gotten worse and worse.

She's always been pressuring him to move back home, which is on the other side of the world. And lately this added pressure, plus the pressure on my side of the family to find our first home has really created a lot of unnecessary stress in our relationship. I can speak to my family about not bringing up the house-buying topic but how do I get his mom to see that her constant nagging is creating stress and making us argue?

I know she has a lot of influence on his thought process even if he might not do what she asks but I seriously think that her asking him to move back is purely out of selfishness. Basically because he's lived with her for 2-3 years after graduating and couldn't find suitable employment within his degree because the industry just isn't there!

From my young person point of view, I don't want to make life choices on the whim of his mom's emotions just because she hasn't truly lived with her son since he was 15. Plus it's not like I'm unwilling to make compromises. If he wanted to move out of the country because his work took him there, I'd go. But if he's thinking about moving cuz he would have his own place to live in and cuz his mom wants him to(even tho he doesn't want to go back), then thanks but no thanks.

Since we have so many knowledgable moms here (some of you may or may not relate too) what's a girl to do in this situation?! Would it be totally out of line if I sent her an e-mail asking politely to stop pressuring him about moving back because it's causing us to argue?
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#427229 - 08/20/08 12:06 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise her... [Re: Kareberry]
Casey Offline
Omniscient


Registered: 04/24/08
Posts: 2583
Loc: California
My son is single, so I am not a MIL, but I have HAD three, and I have to tell you, if you step in the middle right now, it probably won't go well.

He needs to be the one to talk to his mom..... If you had a long term - good relationship with her, then talking directly to her right now might help, but from what you have said.... he is the only one that can ask her to butt out. I am afraid you need to speak your mind with your BF, not his mom.
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#427230 - 08/20/08 12:06 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise her... [Re: Kareberry]
maliasmom Moderator Offline
The Black Orlov


Registered: 05/14/06
Posts: 4106
How about a phone call to her instead? A face to face conversation would be best, but since she is so far away, I guess that is not possible. Best of luck!
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#427231 - 08/20/08 12:07 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise her... [Re: Kareberry]
Blingaholic Online sad
BTD Crown Jewel


Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 10038
Loc: Northern VA
could your bf talk to her about it? if it comes from you, you and she might start fighting and that really puts your bf in a bad place.
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#427232 - 08/20/08 12:09 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise her... [Re: Blingaholic]
Casey Offline
Omniscient


Registered: 04/24/08
Posts: 2583
Loc: California
 Originally Posted By: Blingaholic
could your bf talk to her about it? if it comes from you, you and she might start fighting and that really puts your bf in a bad place.
+1
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#427239 - 08/20/08 12:22 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise her... [Re: Casey]
Kareberry Offline
Connoisseur


Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 1373
I don't think she knows what I think about her. We don't have a bad relationship because we hardly see each other and I only talk to her maybe once every couple months on the phone? Well, I've seen her once every 6 months for our vacations but that's about it. Plus when she does say something, I pretty much say yes to everything. She's a sweet lady only I just don't think she has her son's best interests in terms of his career.

We've talked about this face to face with her during our vacation in July. She kept telling him to go back and he refused to tell her that he didn't like it there so I had to tell her for him and THEN he told her the truth - this obviously makes it look like it's purely my idea! Trust me it's not the first time him and his mom have talked about moving back home and each time he tells her that he doesn't want to.

We talked about a lot of serious issues during our vacation and I basically laid it all out for her. I said if he could find suitable employment in his line of work (and not waste his young years in stupid jobs like he was doing before) I'd have no problem moving with him.

She wants to see us settle down for good, and she wants him by her side too. Right now, the 2 things just don't mix.
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#427241 - 08/20/08 12:24 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise her... [Re: Kareberry]
Blingaholic Online sad
BTD Crown Jewel


Registered: 03/25/07
Posts: 10038
Loc: Northern VA
is he an only child or the only son?
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#427243 - 08/20/08 12:25 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise her... [Re: Casey]
MissDymonds666 Offline
The Black Orlov


Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 4229
I agree. If it comes from you, it will cause you and your BF to argue. It's his place to talk to her. Not to go off topic here but it's like if you had kids from a previous relationship or marriage. You wouldn't want him to discipline them if they misbehave. He should go to you and you would take care of it. Same thing. Best of luck! \:\)
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#427246 - 08/20/08 12:29 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise her... [Re: MissDymonds666]
Kareberry Offline
Connoisseur


Registered: 06/20/07
Posts: 1373
Nope, he's not, he's the oldest and there's a younger one who is my age. But her younger son could care less what she said. He does what he wants, spends like crazy and he can talk his way into or out of anything and keeps her happy that way. She's tried talking him into moving back with her (the younger one is in europe) but I guess he's good at persuading her because he's found a really good job and keeps telling her he'll move back after a few years of experience - I know he's totally lying tho.
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#427250 - 08/20/08 12:33 PM Re: She's not even my MIL and I already despise he [Re: Casey]
maliasmom Moderator Offline
The Black Orlov


Registered: 05/14/06
Posts: 4106
 Originally Posted By: Casey
My son is single, so I am not a MIL, but I have HAD three, and I have to tell you, if you step in the middle right now, it probably won't go well.

He needs to be the one to talk to his mom..... If you had a long term - good relationship with her, then talking directly to her right now might help, but from what you have said.... he is the only one that can ask her to butt out. I am afraid you need to speak your mind with your BF, not his mom.


Perfect, well said Casey! This thread is starting to feel a lot like a moral support thread, is this thread about wedding and engagements? If not, sorry, I will have to lock it. TIA!
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